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| Sometimes, friendship is just sitting together out on the front step. Give or take a couple cigarettes, depending on your preference. It doesn't work out too well if only one person does it though, because the other person probably won't be too fond of it.
Sit with me? I won't smoke, promise :) | | |
| Tried a couple of themes. Felt too gaudy. And conspicuously inconsistent with my efforts at original self-expression (as opposed to straight regurgitation). I'll probably experiment some more, but I don't have time for it, at present.
I'm going to focus my energies on learning languages in the coming year. After that, I'll figure out how to get where I want to go. Higher education, for me, has thus far been irrelevant to just about everything that truly matters. Sounds heretical, yes? But I suppose I had to be there to understand this about myself. I can learn everything I want to learn outside of school, and for a whole lot less. The only difference is whether I get that scrap of paper at the end and a (bigger) hole in my wallet. The struggle is to hold my head high, because this performance of self-education is one for which the audience will be sparse. But I hope you (plural) will be there to cheer me on, because I need you.
And that's another thing I understand about myself, and must refuse to leave unacknowledged. I need you (plural).
This song, Galvanize, sparks my animus. Listening to it on repeat, because this is one of those songs for me.
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P.S.: Here's a bit of internet/basketball humor, because I know my emo entries leave a bad taste in your mouth:
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| I made up a new introduction for myself. It starts like this: "Hi, my name is Humpty Dumpty..."
Sometimes I wish I was born dumber than I am. My perceived level of self-awareness is way too high for my own liking.
Over the past week I finished Breakfast of Champions and am most of the way through Timequake. I want to read Cat's Cradle, but I haven't yet checked it out. I was set to read a biography of Camus, but I don't know if I shouldn't read all of his works first. And that is why I want to learn French - to understand his works more fully. By all accounts his philosophy is quite interesting. I am also interested in the work of Jean Paul Sartre. The writer that originally inspired me to want to study German was Herman Hesse. When I read Demian and Siddhartha, they blew me away. I have also listened to the music of Rammstein, which is so simultaneously appealing and appalling. Friedrich Nietzsche is another influential intellectual whose works I would like to investigate. I tried twice and failed both times to get through Kierkegaard's Either/Or. Maybe I should try again.
Drinking more green tea and eating more stale pineapple cake.
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P.S.: My writing style is being influenced by Vonnegut's. | | |
| I don't know if I can possibly beat a dead horse any more. But the more I open my mouth, the more I realize that I speak myself, and I've been in a state of limbo. I'm like the record that the DJ keeps spinning back to a certain section of, playing over and over.
This past summer I saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with clinical depression. I'd be lying if I told you I never think about suicide. I don't see any counselors or professionals, because it would inevitably be revealed at some point, and I don't want people to look at me like that. But now you know.
I'm a social leech of sorts. I've been leeching off my brother's relationships to keep my spirits up. I haven't admitted that, because I shouldn't have to stoop to that to have friends, right? But I don't actually have any friends, at least that I see on a regular basis. It actually hurts my pride to admit that. I don't want people to actually spend time with me because I said that; I want people to spend time with me because I merit it, on the basis on my personality. Or something like that. And I don't want to look needy, because that's just straight weak and unmanly. Nor do I wish for people to depart from their own affairs to attend to me, because that would be selfish.
I don't actually know what I'm going to do in terms of education. I have as many credits as a 4th year student (senior). Only except I flunked out of U of I. I didn't tell anybody that, because then they look at you funny. Fuck that (being looked at funny). I feel like I'm taking classes right now just to maintain some appearance of normality. I'm just missing something inside that enables others to endure. Something like an inner fire, a strength of character. Makes me feel self-conscious when I talk to them, because I am defective.
In all this, it's painfully obvious that I care so much about what other people think of me, and have adopted for myself what I perceive as their values. In spite of all I have ever claimed, of which my xanga user name is indicative.
I look forward to the end of each day, for it is only in the oblivion of sleep that I escape myself. | | |
| I've wanted to learn German for a long time, but on top of that, now I also want to learn French. This is in part because I want to read various works of literature in their original languages. | | |
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